Coming Out: The Journey to Love

“…out slipped the words ‘I think I’m gay.’ As they both embraced me in their loving arms and cried with me, I knew I was safe to embark down the path that was always meant for me.”

From the earliest memories I have as a child, I always knew that something was ‘different’ inside of me. I did not fit in with the other boys; the majority of my friends were girls. I was stuck in the middle of not being masculine enough to hang with the guys and not being feminine enough to be with the girls. From the grown-up perspective, I was just a “ladies man”. I can remember things that, now, seem so obvious as to what I was really trying to figure out.

To shed some light on my upbringing, I grew up in a rural town in Northeastern Arizona: a little town known as Show Low. Show Low had roughly 10-12,000 people while I lived there; my graduating class consisted of approximately 180 students. Basically if you weren’t on the football team (as a high school boy) then you were already considered low man on the totem pole. Also, in this town specifically, the Mormon religion held the majority; and let me just go out on a limb here and say I have some AMAZING friends to this day who are apart of the Mormon church, who are beautiful humans & I love them dearly. But, as a closeted gay kid in a town that praises football and going on your mission after high school, well let’s just say I was not thriving.

My journey to coming out starts here. Closeted gay boy, just doing anything and everything to survive each day. I had gotten myself to a point where I was so confused. I had no idea that it was even a possibility for a boy to be attracted to another boy. I would spend so much time convincing myself that I wasn’t staring at Zac Efron while I was watching High School Musical every night before bed… LOL. I did not know a single gay couple. Any words spoken of being gay were mockery, laughed at, talked about with disgust, totally taboo, not to be spoken of, not to exist. I did not know people like me existed. Bring yourself back to being 13 or 16. Imagine not knowing a single soul existed like you, open and thriving, in this entire world. Wow.

Anyway, I had truly convinced myself that I was NOT GAY. I really, truly, wholeheartedly convinced myself of this for a long time. I have an internal argument with myself often about whether or not I would change this part of my life. The conclusion that I come to 95% the time is that I would not change this part of my life at all, and here is why: the people I experienced life with in the midst of the messiness. I experienced such beautiful, true, and passionate love with some of the most beautiful humans, inside & out. They taught me so much about myself and showed me love and compassion that only true lovers can. I often wonder what the women that I shared love with think of the time we spent together, what it all meant, and if the feelings and words shared were true? This is something I have also struggled with; as a person who values authenticity and honesty, this felt like a betrayal of my character. The truth is, the love was pure and true & the feelings were the strongest love I had known at those moments in my life. I can specifically remember the butterflies, the passionate kisses, the tender moments, the vulnerable stories shared, and the memories that I will forever hold in my heart and soul. For this reason alone, I do not wish the trials I faced through the years any differently.

What I thought was the break up that I would never recover from, ended up being the one that saved my life. This gave me permission to explore other avenues of my soul. She knew in her bones that our love had run it’s course, even when I refused to believe it was true. I think that the love the two of us shared was vital for both of our stories; we had an undying love for one another for many years, if we had not opened the door to love we would have spent a lifetime wondering, and for that I am eternally grateful. We shared unforgettable moments together, we built a group of friends that I truthfully wish each and every individual on this planet could experience. The love was pure, the love was true, the love of two young souls who fueled the flame until the last ember turned grey.

My journey to dating men was not an easy one. I grappled with myself and whether or not the feelings I had were real. I did not know how to trust myself; something I still struggle with. The imposter syndrome takes over and I feel like everything I have ever felt & done are false. I spent so many years afraid and hiding behind my fears of being exposed that I never worked the muscle of intuition and following that gut feeling. This struggle gives me challenges in my present life, although each day I get more comfortable with who Colton is and what it means to honor my TRUE self. It is so beautiful when I am consciously aware of setting boundaries and trusting my inner knowing. So beautiful.

I spent an ENTIRE YEAR in a relationship with a man (my now husband-to-be) before sharing it even with the people who I considered closest to me. The journey has been slow moving. I still sometimes cringe inside as the blood rushes to my face when certain conversations are pointed at me in regards to my sexuality. As I felt in high school, I fell immediately into this space of not gay enough for the gays, but not straight enough to fit in there either, not gay enough to be one of the girls, but too gay to be one of the boys. As I have entered a new era of my life, living in Boston, I have felt transformative energy as I have been able to explore what it means to be an openly gay man in society without the majority of people looking at me like an alien just landed right before their eyes.

If I had to offer up one word of advice to anyone struggling with their sexuality, it would be to find ONE trusted soul. ONE. And lay it on them, the struggle and thoughts that you are having. Do not fight the battle alone, it will lead you down a very dark path that is almost impossible to navigate. At the age of 24, I was lucky enough to have two friends beat it out of me one drunken night…just kidding, we just blubberingly spilled some of our darkest moments with each other and out slipped the words “I think I’m gay.” As they both embraced me in their loving arms and cried with me, I knew I was safe to embark down the path that was always meant for me. Friends are the gatekeepers of our lives and arguably the most important decisions you’ll ever make: choose wisely.

The journey to healing is not linear; the journey to healing looks and feels different to everyone. Sometimes things happen and I find myself crawling back into my shell, hiding who I am from the external world. Other times I surprise myself with the pride & comfort that exudes from my body. I love this community. I am proud of the obstacles I have overcome and the valleys I have pulled myself from. 16 year old Colton would have NEVER imagined the life that I am living now. I can only hope & dream that 40 year old Colton would say the same about 27 year old Colton.

Love yourself. Choose yourself every single day. I am lucky to have found support in the people who matter most. I know that this is not the case for everyone. Find your safe space. You choose who your true family and friends are. The world needs you and needs the REAL you. Love is love is LOVE! I love you all, especially if you made it this far in the blog 🙂

Love, Colton